We asked our Facebook friends to suggest really stupid things to do on the Tube, in the hope of getting at least one faux pas for each letter of the alphabet. 93 people responded. Here are our 26 favourite suggestions. Check out the Facebook page for further nonsense.
A = Activate the emergency stop switch and tell the driver that you thought it was the ‘jump to light speed’ control. (Londonist)
B = Breakdance on a packed out train during rush hour and kick all your fellow commuters’ coffee out of their hands. (Anthony Sturley)
C = Cuddle a banker (Belinda Dervish)
D = Develop a hacking cough, streaming eyes and runny nose and bring them into an overheated rush hour train with that insufferable “I’m bravely struggling in to work, me” look on your face that makes everyone else in the carriage want to wipe it off with a baseball bat. (John Holt)
E = Eat a handlebar (Νικολό Καρτέρι)
F = Fry an egg! Take an empty can of baked beans, a tea light and an egg. Light the tea light, place can (make some holes) over the top, wait until warm and then crack the egg on to the can and let it fry. Whilst frying, walk up and down the tube asking anyone if they have any spare butter as you’ve just run out. (Matthew Barnaby)
G = Grind your morning coffee using an unnecessarily large but portable battery-powered coffee grinder. (Alex Clough)
H = Have a teddy bears’ picnic. Fill a carriage with teddy bears, then scream at anyone who comes in that they are ruining it and you will tell mother. When the driver comes in, call him/her mother regardless of gender and offer cake to her/him. (Binty McBinterson)
I = Inject yourself in the aisle with a hypodermic needle whilst looking around at everyone with a big smile on your face and saying “don’t worry folks, it’s caffeine, not heroin”. (Adam MacLean)
J = Jolly everyone along with your InHuman League rendition of ‘Don’t You Love Me Baby’ while the rest of the carriage fills in with beatbox backing track. And apologies to everyone on the 00.10 Waterloo to Stratford Jubilee Line who had to witness this. Soz. (John Holt)
K = Kiss Boris Johnson *vomits*. (Olga Sidoryk)
L = Llamas. Great for the Andes not for Acton to Arsenal. (Andrew MacKinnon)
M = Milk a cow! (Caz Rudd)
N = Nose through another person’s bag as if it’s yours. (Aisha Abbasi)
O = Offer your seat to a pregnant woman, only to be told that she’s not pregnant… (Chris Shortall)
P = Pee. Copiously. Prefably in someone else’s rucksack. (John Hodson)
Q = Queue to buy your extortionately overpriced season ticket. (James Brown)
R = Run for the tube even when you know there isn’t a train waiting. Watch everyone else run frantically too. Then casually wait behind the yellow line.
S = Shout out loud the famous “don’t be a Sinner, be a Winner” motto while reading the Metro as if you had biblical Tourettes. (ahh you kids are too young to remember this…) (Jon Giuliani)
T = Tickle everyone wearing a hoodie. (Kathleen Walsh)
U = Urge all the people who did not read this Facebook status properly yet still commented to all get into one carriage, travel to Kings Cross and board a train to somewhere far far away — preferably overseas. Maybe Russia.
V= Viciously fight your way onto the train and into a seat, only to alight at the next station 2 minutes later. (Chris Shortall)
W = Walk up and stand really close to a person in an uncrowded carriage (taking up all their personal space) and say “rush hour sucks”. (Sahil Dhingra)
X= Xenomorph — burst out of your friend’s stomach. (You can only really do this once per friend.) (Dexter Hartley)
Y = Yodel station announcements at every stop. (Andy Jeffery)
Z = Zoomorph into the mythological large-animal predator of your choice. Not so stupid if you couldn’t get a seat though? (Claire Leavey)
Feel free to offer alternatives, or suggest a topic for next week’s Londonist Alphabet Game in the comments below.
Image by John Quintero in the Londonist Flickr pool.