Now that Golden Balls has ruled himself out of lighting the Olympic torch at the Opening Ceremony, the nation waits with bated breath and a spare cigarette lighter to find out who will be the one to spark the flame.
Londonist is leaping into the breach with a few suggestions.
Lord Coe himself? He is, after all, the face of London 2012 and a two-time Olympic gold medalist. He’s taken on all-comers from TfL to a government with short arms and deep pockets, yet emerged victorious. But we reckon that taking on the torch-lighting job would be just too much like micro-managment for him.
Wenlock and Mandeville? Could the frankly scary Olympic mascots be trusted with the flame? It would probably measure around 8.7 on the cheese scale and traumatise a nation of small children for years to come.
Boris Johnson? “Has anyone got a lighter? Oh, top drawer! Ooops, can’t seem to get the thing going…ah…um… help? Argh! Erm, right! As London’s mayor and generally a jolly good chap, I’m proud to…erm…enkindle the Olympic torch. Ah… The Olympics are a tremendous monument to the indomitability of London and I for one am truly… um…compunctious at the mammoth achievement I, sorry, argh WE have made. Labor omnia vincit!”
Her Majesty the Queen? A strong choice in this Jubilee year. Who better to light the torch than someone who’s lived through 20 Olympiads and represented Britain (and many other Commonwealth countries) for more than half the span that the Modern Games have been running? Although not an Olympian herself, she did spawn a competitor in the horse-riding shape of Princess Anne. The role is perhaps too much of a carnival for our dignified monarch, however.
The Prodigy? Finally, the lyrics to Firestarter can be applied in an truly irony-free way!
Someone dressed as a London landmark? One can buy a Big Ben costume. Who knew? We think this registers about 9.4 on the cheese scale.
The Crown Prince of Qatar? What better way to cement our relationship with the Gulf State, which owns the Shard, the Athletes Village, swathes of Canary Wharf, 1 Hyde Park, Harrods, 20% of London Stock Exchange and 20% of Camden Market? They probably own the Olympic torch, too.
John Terry? Now that the troubled former England captain has been officially rubber-stamped as Not Racist, he’ll undoubtedly be looking for a way to restore his shine in the eyes of the nation. Lighting the torch (in full England kit) could go a long way towards it. No? We have doubts too.
David Cameron? The PM rarely misses an opportunity to roll up his sleeves and demonstrate to the country what a no-nonsense fellow he is, even if he does increasingly resemble a potato. He could find himself being heckled by volunteers again.
The Orbit Tower? We have our suspicions that Anish Kapoor’s spaghetti tangle of red steel is actually a robot in disguise and could transform in a eye-popping ceremony with a blowtorch at the ready to light the Olympic flame.
Who do you think will light the Olympic torch? Tell us in the comments.
Thanks to Andy Thornley for the image.