With the Olympic Park and 13 other venues soon to open, London's transport system is about to get busy. Really busy. Seriously, we're talking All-Bar-One-at-West-India-Quay-on-Bonus-Day busy here. You know those 'pickled people' executive toys you used to see around the place? Imagine that, but on the Central Line. Honestly, if you can leave we’d recommend you do so. It's certainly what we're planning. No, hang on, forget we said that.
Luckily for those who are stuck here, Transport from Londonist has been planning ahead. Keep our tips in mind, and you too can get ahead of the games. By working together, showing consideration for
Olympic sponsors other Londoners and abandoning all pretence of normality, then maybe, just maybe, we’ll survive this thing.
- The following parts of London are likely to be particularly busy over the next few weeks:
1) Where you work.
2) Where you live.
We realise there is little you can do to avoid these places. We just wanted to show we were on the case.
- One way you can help reduce stress on our squealing public transport system is by working from home. If your employer is unaccommodating, you might wish to explore other options such as "getting a new job in Cornwall" or "being unemployed".
- Another option is to find a new route to and from work. Journeys involving Croydon Tramlink, Chiltern Railways and the Romford to Upminster branch line are expected to be relatively hassle free.
- To help prepare for the Olympics, we have invested substantially in new transport infrastructure. If you're one of the many Londoners who commute from the Royal Docks to North Greenwich, why not give the new cable car a go?
- To give the crowds time to disperse during evening rush hour, go on a pub crawl after work.
- Wherever possible, avoid public transport altogether. If you’re one of the many Londoners with private helicopters, jet skis, jet packs, teleportation devices or yogic flying abilities, Transport from Londonist encourages you to use them.
- To help speed more important people around the place, Transport from Londonist has established the Olympics Route Network of VIP-only lanes. We confidently predict that other drivers will respect these at all times, and will be quite happy to sit meekly in the gridlock with nothing to do but watch foreign dignitaries speed past.
- Walking is a great way of getting around London – and quicker than you think. Walking from Trafalgar Square to Croydon, for example, can take as little as three and half hours. Great exercise, too!
- To minimise your stress levels during the Olympics, avoid having children.
- While we're here, incidentally, you know that poster showing one happy looking bloke on an empty escalator? Does anyone know where we got that? Certainly doesn't look like one of our stations.
- Despite all our preparation, certain areas of London are inevitably going to be busier than usual during the games. To help us keep things running smoothly, and to make your own London life more pleasant and enjoyable, we suggest you avoid the following:
- King's Cross
- Hyde Park
- Other areas of zone 1
- The Royal Docks
- Zone 2
- Affected areas of zones 3, 4 and 6
- The Central, Jubilee, Northern and Victoria lines
- The DLR
- The buses
- The roads
- Moving about
Good luck, everyone – and may God have mercy on our souls.
Transport from Londonist takes no responsibility for any incidents that may occur when members of the public either do or do not follow our advice. Please note that we are unable to handle any queries, questions or complaints until after the games have concluded. Anyway, we're off to Tuscany for a month. Ciao.