Ken described the election so far as an “X Factor Slug-fest“. What would happen if it were the X Factor…?
It is Monday, and the X-Factor Slug-fest contestants Boris, Ken, Brian and Jenny turn up at a local radio station to do some publicity to promote the tour. Despite appearing on the radio – where of course, no-one can see you – everyone is dressed in the spangly leotards from last week’s show. Apart from Jenny who has gone for a two-piece ensemble made of hemp.
Boris has been on at Ken for the past few weeks now, claiming that he has been stealing all of the mint Aeros from the sweet jar in the communal house they all share. He kicks off the radio interview by having a slight dig about this, saying that Ken’s not declared the fact that he’s been having extra.
Ken comes right back at him by saying that he did eat the last mint Aero. He claims it’s a completely normal arrangement and is allowed under the rules of the house – although has now stopped eating them to concentrate on winning the X Factor Slug-fest. He then has a pop at Boris, saying in turn, he finished off the last of the Double Deckers out of the jar, by getting his family members to pick them up and stash them away for him later on. In the background, Jenny keeps asking if its fair trade chocolate, but everyone seems to be ignoring her.
Boris is furious at Ken’s apparent slur and his face turns red. Despite being an ex-copper, Brian is doing nothing to quell the feud. Quite the opposite indeed; he’s indulging in a bit of shit stirring, saying they’re both going to develop type-2 diabetes if they carry on eating all of this chocolate. Jenny has stopped asking about the chocolate and is now sat in the corner doing crochet.
After the interview, which no-one really paid attention to, Boris catches up to Ken as they both squeeze in to the lift. He’s shouting: “It’s fucking lies. Fucking lies. It’s all fucking lies!” and goes nose to nose with his fellow contestant. Ken jibes that it’s not the first time Boris has taken the piss with a double decker. Brian is doing ‘bunny ears’ behind Ken’s head, although Boris hasn’t noticed as he is about to suffer an aneurism; a side effect from his face turning puce.
Back at the house, Ken tries to cool things down by offering to shake Boris’ hand. He is saying they should just get back to concentrating on the singing “after all, that’s what the viewers tune in for – not the pantomime.”
Boris accuses Ken of using all of this to cover up the fact that he’s been snaffling Aeros and not telling anyone. Brian is laughing at both of them, somewhat manically, and threatens to arrest them both “for being divvies”. Ken turns around, looking for support from Jenny, but she’s not there.
“Shit… we’ve left her in the radio station…!”
The X-Factor Slug-fest final will take place on 3 May 2012. For more information on voting, click here.