January: Excavations for a new housing development near Lambeth foreshore reveal this bronze-age relic, apparently bearing the likeness of Boris Johnson. The Mayor’s press team are quick to capitalise, repositioning their man as the eternal Godhead of London. Henceforth, he will be styled His Omniscience Boris Johnson.
February: A Tube driver is forced to work 10 minutes unpaid overtime due to a signal failure. Union leaders call for immediate strike action.
March: Occupy London, Charles Dickens and Banksy riot in a secret underground tunnel before climbing the Shard and making an alternative Tube map. Londonist is accused of manipulating events to match its most popular keywords.
April: TfL scores an own goal by announcing a Private Boat Hire scheme on the 100th anniversary of the Titanic’s sinking.
May: His Omniscience Boris Johnson secures a second term in office following a landslide win in the Mayoral Elections. Ken Livingstone declares the official victory photo ‘a bit pompous, really’.
June: The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations are undermined when some wag points out that she actually became Queen in February 1952, not June.
July: Danny Boyle’s much anticipated Opening Ceremony for the 2012 Olympics turns ugly, when the 28 Days Later director invokes a legion of zombies commanded by a terrifying ‘Satanic Blood Seer’, a thinly disguised anagram of Lord Sebastian Coe, rather than some nice dancing girls with ribbons.
August: Thousands of normal people are deployed across the Olympic site to ward off threats from extremist security groups.
September: The world’s first pop-up shop selling vintage photos of pop-up vintage shops from 2010 pops up in Shoreditch. Meanwhile, the slightly hipper kids in Dalston decide that the phrasing ‘second-hand clothes shop in temporary premises’ has more retro-cool. It’s still on-trend to say you hate Boxpark, while secretly visiting three times a week.
October: With capacity improvements to the Thameslink route stricken by further delays, First Capital Connect adopts the creative expedient of increasing the number of hours in the day rather than putting on more trains.
November: Thousands of Londoners sport hair styles like His Omniscience Boris Johnson. ‘Bovember’ involves the growing of blond, bouffant hair for charity, and supersedes Movember as the ironic outlet for hair-based silliness.
December: The End of the World occurs on 21 December, as prophesied by the Mayans, His Omniscience Boris Johnson, The Satanic Blood Seer Lord Sebastian Coe, and Woody Harrelson. Thousands crowd onto the Thames Embankment, but the best views are obtained from Primrose Hill.
Got your own predictions for the year ahead? Please unload them below. And check out how many of our predictions for 2011 came true (hint: nearly one).