12 Predictions For London In 2012

January: Excavations for a new housing development near Lambeth foreshore reveal this bronze-age relic, apparently bearing the likeness of Boris Johnson. The Mayor’s press team are quick to capitalise, repositioning their man as the eternal Godhead of London. Henceforth, he will be styled His Omniscience Boris Johnson.

February: A Tube driver is forced to work 10 minutes unpaid overtime due to a signal failure. Union leaders call for immediate strike action.

March: Occupy London, Charles Dickens and Banksy riot in a secret underground tunnel before climbing the Shard and making an alternative Tube map. Londonist is accused of manipulating events to match its most popular keywords.

April: TfL scores an own goal by announcing a Private Boat Hire scheme on the 100th anniversary of the Titanic’s sinking.

May: His Omniscience Boris Johnson secures a second term in office following a landslide win in the Mayoral Elections. Ken Livingstone declares the official victory photo ‘a bit pompous, really’.

June: The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations are undermined when some wag points out that she actually became Queen in February 1952, not June.

July: Danny Boyle’s much anticipated Opening Ceremony for the 2012 Olympics turns ugly, when the 28 Days Later director invokes a legion of zombies commanded by a terrifying ‘Satanic Blood Seer’, a thinly disguised anagram of Lord Sebastian Coe, rather than some nice dancing girls with ribbons.

August: Thousands of normal people are deployed across the Olympic site to ward off threats from extremist security groups.

September: The world’s first pop-up shop selling vintage photos of pop-up vintage shops from 2010 pops up in Shoreditch. Meanwhile, the slightly hipper kids in Dalston decide that the phrasing ‘second-hand clothes shop in temporary premises’ has more retro-cool. It’s still on-trend to say you hate Boxpark, while secretly visiting three times a week.

October: With capacity improvements to the Thameslink route stricken by further delays, First Capital Connect adopts the creative expedient of increasing the number of hours in the day rather than putting on more trains.

November: Thousands of Londoners sport hair styles like His Omniscience Boris Johnson. ‘Bovember’ involves the growing of blond, bouffant hair for charity, and supersedes Movember as the ironic outlet for hair-based silliness.

December: The End of the World occurs on 21 December, as prophesied by the Mayans, His Omniscience Boris Johnson, The Satanic Blood Seer Lord Sebastian Coe, and Woody Harrelson. Thousands crowd onto the Thames Embankment, but the best views are obtained from Primrose Hill.

Got your own predictions for the year ahead? Please unload them below. And check out how many of our predictions for 2011 came true (hint: nearly one).

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  • Scott K

    The Lord Mayor of London demonstrates the City of London has developed nuclear capabilities by including horse-drawn warheads in the Lord Mayor’s Procession.

  • CRAiG B

    Coronation was in June 1953, not ’52!  :-)  Sorry, just being a pedant wag.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, but she became queen on the day her father died, in February 1952.

      • Anonymous

        Was it someone like Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett who wrote that heredity is the only thing in the known universe that travels faster than light? (Pre-neutrino experiments.)

      • CRAiG B

        Exactly – so any wag undermining a link with June 1952 (like the above) would be wrong.  Jubilee is of 1952 as her first year of reign, nothing to do with the month of June.  The wag should be sent to the Tower at once…

  • RobertofHitchin

    Tories create new jobs in London by mandating the reintroduction of the Sedan Chair

  • RobertofHitchin

    As a reminder of the Roman history of London, all street signs are changed to Latin, this is all done in the name of anti-terrorism. Only Boris Johnson never gets lost.

  • http://edgeofeurope.wordpress.com/ Rob

    Terrorism strikes the London Olympics. The culprit is a fundamentalist Christian group, therefore it will be decided that it wasn’t really terrorism, just “some idiots acting on their own”.

  • Scott K

    September: The Metropolitan Police move headquarters from New Scotland Yard to New Improved Scotland Yard Ultra Max. A week later they are forced to rename their HQ again, when Scotland successfully claims independence. They settle on Old Wales Metre.