12 Predictions For London In 2011

January: Shadowy internet collective Anonymous hack in to the Boris Bike software and command all units to simultaneously charge at Scientology HQ.

February: West Ham/Spurs Olympic Stadium decision settled with in situ gladiatorial combat between Scott Parker and Gareth Bale.

March: Mayor extends his brand into the luggage sector:

Image by dominiccampbell

April: Heathrow Airport closed following severe snow/Icelandic volcano/crew strikes/terror threat/giant Mothra attack (delete as applicable)

May: Ken Livingstone announces new sponsor for his election campaign. Henceforth, he must be referred to as ‘The Carlsberg Once-And-Future-Mayor Ken Livingstone’.

June: After years of complaints, Westminster Council finally improve their parking provisions with less-confusing signage:

Image by M@

July: The BBC announce that the second series of Sherlock will be set entirely on top of the Fourth Plinth as part of some weird arts project.

August: Following much-heralded extensions to the Tate Modern and British Museum, the O2 dome gets in on the act by announcing a new concert venue on top of the existing structure, to be called the O2 Nipple.

September: As the financial climate worsens, Lewisham schools resort to emergency rations:

October: Bob Crow goes on strike, leaving thousands of transport union members without leadership.

November: Time Out London publishes its definitive list of Top 50 East End budget vintage clothes shops that also sell muffins. The new list updates and supersedes similar polls from March and August.

December: Extreme sports enthusiast skis down the near-complete Shard.

Let’s hear your own predictions for 2011 in the comments below.

Top image by dominiccampbell. Other images by M@.

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  • http://twitter.com/eyetie Franco Milazzo

    January: Now that most sales start in December, retailers cotton onto last year’s naming fad and rebrand this month’s flog-offs as “The Best Of The Rest Festival”.

    February: With no fresh football disappointments to look forward to this summer, England fans demand a new tournament at Wembley Stadium featuring Brazil, Argentina and Germany. “Why do we have to go halfway round the world to fail miserably when we can do it on our own doorstep?” cry the fans.

    March: The Olympic Stadium is awarded to Manchester City as City’s Middle Eastern owners have never had a London venue and it would provide a fitting legacy to the FA’s pension fund.

    April: Channel 4 celebrates the royal nuptials by screening an Alternative Best Man’s Speech to be given by London Mayor Boris Johnson.

    May: Boris Johnson becomes the first inmate of the Tower of London since Rudolf Hess.

    June: Roman Abramovich’s Chelsea awarded the Premiership despite being 12 points behind Manchester United. FA chief defends decision saying “It’s a lot of ruble, sorry, trouble, over nothing.”

    July: Boris is freed on a technicality (he went to Eton with the appeal judge) on condition that he introduces a property tax on “ugly” buildings and new legislation allows for the Royal Assent for any new developments within eyeline of royal establishments. Prince Charles denies involvement.

    August: As London swelters, RMT goes on strike when its “reasonable demands” for free ice-cream and a day off in lieu for any staff asked to work on a sunny day are rebuffed.

    September: With less than a year to go to the Olympics, the Marathon route is changed again. This time, it will be five laps of Chelsea Village with the final leg ending in Stamford Bridge. British Olympic Committee deny bribery but will comment in full when they return from their fact-finding mission to Dubai.

    October: National Theatre announces it’s own revival of Samuel Beckett’s Krapp’s Last Tape, adapted by and starring Frankie Boyle. Show closes after one performance and threats of legal action against Mr Boyle.

    November: Boris embraces protectionism by extending congestion zone to the whole of the M25.

    December: The Boris Bikes form a collective conscience and take over the world. Two wheels good, no wheels bad.

  • http://twitter.com/TASTOUR Food&WineExperience

    I predict that it will be sunny and warm throughout June, July and August : )

  • Jackie Charlton’s rentboy

    About 7 years ago, I lived above Boris Bags (pictured). The most interesting thing about it was that the landlord, Eli, who worked in the shop, was the absolute spit of Jackie Charlton.

  • Saucelicious

    Plans submitted (again) for Battersea Power station to be redeveloped (again) into London’s tallest ever (again) luxury office/living/playing tower called the Celery Splinter. Of course it will include affordable housing of £1m per flat.

  • vernice

    Predictions often does not
    occur and sometimes can’t truly be possible to happen at any situation and many
    scientist doesn’t know how it could possible be done at the given date or time
    by a few people but a very few psychics as we call them truly has an edge an
    can really predict what can happen and save lives. I hope the psychic that gave
    this doesn’t give falls reading for the future cause some given predictions
    gives panic to many believer. Hope good predictions can be predicted also thank
    you.

    VerniceMy blog :

    Baignoire
    porte
     

  • Peer

    Don’t you mean 2012?

    • Peer

      Okay, delete my comment ;-)