Rant and Dick are Londoners who podcast. They tweeted us and we had a listen. Newsy rambling, personal mundanity, obscenity, matey meandering and daftness assaulted our ears and tickled our funny bones. If you're easily offended by imaginative profanity or toilet humour we suggest you go no further. Should you choose to proceed, download the latest high quality podcast for topical ruminations on the election, new policies for London and how we're all programmed for failure. What will you make of The Rant and Dick Show?
Which bit of London do you call home?
Dick: Clapham, the nice bit and Rant, Norwood, no nice bit there. Like Hiroshima circa 1945 but worse. It has character, mind you, so does a leper. We do all of our recording from Rant's living room as Dick's cardboard box doesn't have an internet connection.
Why did you start podcasting?
Dick: Bored/angry. I had done stand up a few times, Rant had been in a band. We hadn't spoken for a while (band related jealousy) and just reconnected and the idea came about. It was 100% my idea (if anyone from radio is listening), unless we are sued by someone, in which case it was Rant that came up with it, plus it's recorded in his gaff and I did it under duress.
Rant: Actually, the government pays me to take Dick off the streets once a week. No, in all seriousness, Dick and I just make each other laugh. So sticking a microphone in front of ourselves and sharing our weekly dose of offensive humour with others seemed like the next step... it was either that or we joined the circus.
Who is the podcast aimed at?
Rant: I think we're for anyone who likes a laugh, and being laughed at. We will rip the living piss out of anyone we can so it's pretty important that listeners take that on board. Perhaps it would be easier to tell you who we're not aimed at; there's a long list of cocks that would be on the receiving end one of our tirades. These would include hipsters, people with pencil-thin moustaches, men called Alastair, basically the whole of Hoxton. Oh and I don't think the deaf would get much out of one of our broadcasts.
Dick: Artists, lovers, warriors, anyone who will have us really, anyone who has ever had a dream, and then seen it crushed before them on the floor, and then jumped on, reformed into a sad version of its original form like some sort of dream spam, and then recrushed with even more venom. The podcast is best heard from the gutter. There is something in there for everyone (and to be offended at, even your Nan). We have been described as like being down the pub with your mates, but you dont have to carry their vomit covered empty husk back or pick them up from outside the kebab shop. We have also been described as vomit covered empty husks.
It's weekly. How do you keep it up and where does your inspiration come from?
Dick: The news mostly, and London generally. The bile and vitriol literally seeps from the pores of every street corner, every pavement lined with greed, failure, dog and even human poop. You can put your ear to the ground anywhere in this sprawling capital and you can hear the spirit of Rant and Dick seeping out of every crack or gash. London is like a big old haggard lady of the night, used and abused on a daily basis and a couple of silver coins pressed into her hand for services rendered, which is a shame, because it used to be quite a looker. We need to start hugging London again. There is lots to love and it really is a wonderful place. It's hard to leave, mostly because the tubes are fucked. Also there is a great simmering man-love between us. When you listen it's a case not of if, but when is Dick going to tear his clothes off and declare 17 stone of love for Rant. It's a story not seen since Renee and Renata.
Rant: You may think it's a bad deal for me, but he does always cuddle afterwards, whispering in my ear "I promise this'll be the last time" and gives me a small peck on the neck. Inspiration-wise we both live and work in London, and of course that throws all sorts of situations and experiences you wouldn't find anywhere else in the world. Just the other week I saw a bloke shitting into a carrier bag while waiting on a train platform. What was most surprising was his choice of bag, Waitrose... still trying to live the dream. Also thank god for the internet because we love coming across weird stories.
How many people have you offended?
Dick: How long is a piece of string? It's interesting because we are not stats orientated, but it's definitely 13 (including you guys) and several thousand. We know we have listeners in Canada, America and Australia which makes us proud our brand of ignorance and heavily disguised genius is spreading fast. We believe in the days where the BBC is handcuffing its comedy that there is a market for direct and no holds barred humour and commentary.
Rant: P.S. if the BBC does pick up on us, we are both willing to drop the C words and have speech therapy, we love you Auntie. But if they're not interested they can go f**k themselves.
Where in London would you most like to Podcast from?
Rant: I'd like to do it from the top of Centrepoint just because that building would inspire so much anger in me to start with. I mean, how lazy must the architect have been to come up with that pile of crap? I reckon it was a Friday afternoon after a long lunch, "that'll do..." Either there or Battersea Park. I'd like to see what effect the Peace Pagoda would have on our output.
Dick: Loughborough Junction because it doesn't sound like it should be where it is. It lures you there with its almost Dickensian name and promise of sprawling parks and tree lined streets, hobbit houses, wizards, giants, talking trees and dragons, and then you just find out you are basically hanging off the arse crack of Elephant and Castle and within minutes you are having a knife stuck in your jugular, your trainers hung over a telephone pole and your crappy gold chain that your horrible ex brought you sent off to that company that Dale Winton is flouting in a pre paid envelope. Or more positively, Borough Market, a wonderful place for people watching and taking a lady, the scrumpy cider there will sedate the most repulsed of blind dates. It's also a culinary gang bang and the start of many a wonderful Thames Path pub crawl.
What did Newham Council do to ruin your life and make you want to disrupt the 2012 Olympics?
Dick: I was going through a desperate period in my life, and they housed me in what felt like a very bad HBO drama about drug dealers with guns and knives for 18 months (The Wire, but worse) and ignored my several girl-like cries for help (which were incredibly effeminate). I eventually had to leave when my life was threatened (the local baker's shut down) and promised I would be back, and in greater numbers, like the sand people from Star Wars, only bearded. They took my pride away; we'll take their glory by ruining the Olympic games. Plus, athletics on the whole discriminates against fat people which seems to be acceptable. There isn't a single event I could enter in either the regular or the Paralympics. But seriously, it's going to be a good forum to highlight the plight of homelessness in London while the world's media watches.
Rant: I sure we could think up a something for Dick to enter (no, not in that way.) I have nothing much to add to this, apart from adding my name to Dick's campaign, not to get revenge on Newham, but purely to complain about Dick's return to South London just when all Dallas Chicken & Rib joints were beginning to feel safe.
What's the plan for the podcast?
Rant: We do this more for our own benefit than anything else, and if people like it then that's great. It's great to know people like what we do, especially as there are people as twisted as us out there. Dick also write short stories. They are generally sad but he tries to inject humour in there, like Mills and Boon but the lead male having erectile dysfunction or ginger hair.
Dick: We want to just attract as many people to come along and laugh at/with us. Yes, we are going to get people who find us immature and offensive, but we want to tell them to grow up (we got it in first). We live in an age of equality so we want to make sure we dish out our brand of humour to everyone in equal measure. To leave people out is to discriminate, and we hate discrimination.
Production is good, how do you manage it?
Dick: Rant is the master of post production. We sold our souls (ar-souls) in Kings Cross to invest in a good mic and visited Phil Spector in prison, he taught us the secret of the wall of sound (we also know the 11th spice in Kentucky Fried Chicken and what they put on Pringles to make sure you can't stop once you have popped)
Rant: Yeah, he gave me one of his wigs. Production is so easy, a £50 mic, about 2gb of free memory and a very, very, very understanding girlfriend.
Can you recommend any other London Podcasts to us?
Dick: No, that's like asking McDonalds to recommend another heartless burger chain in London. All other London based podcasts are a threat to us, because they are probably good.
Rant: Actually there's a great little podcast from a bloke from Reading, if that's close enough for you. I'm expecting big things from Ricky Gervais, so watch out!
Ever been sick on the Tube or while recording?
Rant: Yes to the tube, but not yet while recording.
Dick: Between us we have seen every single effluence exit a human body on the tube, save semen, but have thankfully ticked that one off the list during recording.
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