26 February 2017 | 9 °C

Paper Chasing

By sizemore Last edited 119 months ago
Paper Chasing
paper_mache.jpg

We're drowning in paper:

Up to 12 tons of newspapers a day are being abandoned by commuters on London Underground stations and trains, new figures show. The statistics were revealed by Ken Livingstone following a question raised by the London Assembly Conservatives at Mayor's question time in January. They have asked Transport for London to install more newspaper recycling points on the network to tackle the problem.

Sure recycling is one way forward, but we've set up a Londonist think tank to solve this problem once and for all. Here's what we've come up with so far:

1. Fire - the natural enemy of paper. It's probably a simple process to make the free papers explode into flame as soon you've finished reading them, Mission Impossible style. Think of the rosy glow that another Great Fire would give off. Look pretty good from space too. Downsides - we'd all die. Horribly.

2. Paper Mache - the form that all paper strives to become. Print simple instructions on the back page. Read the Metro on the way to work and model complicated fantasy masks on the way home. Kid with an uzi intimidating you on the top deck? Slap on a scary mask and beat him at his own game. Downsides - we've been playing with paper mache for four hours and all we've made are a series of increasingly anatomically incorrect penises.

3. Find a way to do what papers do electronically. It's a bit complicated as we'd need some kind of network of computers, all capable of not only reading the news, but also interacting somehow with portable devices that commuters could then carry with them on the tube. Downsides - pure science fiction.

4. Cut the rags off at the source by banning all news coming into the capital. Replace all the papers with a sign on every bus stop and underground platform that says EVERYTHING IS FINE. Add a photo of the late Bob Monkhouse with wings and a halo hovering over the city with a comforting smile on his face. Downsides - no Sudoku.

5. Make the papers edible and in a variety of flavours. The London Paper would be cheese 'n' onion, The London Lite salt 'n' vinegar, The Evening Standard malignant biopsy, City AM croissant and The Metro kebab. Downsides - you are what you eat.

Last Updated 08 March 2007

nik shah

I have snorted water through my nose when reading this. Well done.

Mike

Cheers Nik. Abusing the nasal passages of our readers was always a goal :)