25 June 2017 | 10 °C

We're Number One!

By sizemore Last edited 124 months ago
We're Number One!
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After coming a lowly third in the danger-to-hearing stakes we are happy to report that we came first in the holy-crap-we're-all-going-to-die-and-die-horribly stakes (or maybe just get mugged):

London is the most dangerous capital in the European Union in which to live, a survey of crime in the EU has found... The survey, conducted by a consortium including Gallup and UN agency Unicri, asked 1,200 citizens in each country about their experiences of crime, rather than using official police data.

Official police data usually states:

You're perfectly safe, nothing to worry about, OH MY GOD HE'S GOT A BOMB. no, it was just a sausage roll, see, you're fine here, nothing the least to... PUT ON YOUR GAS MASK! TAKE HIM DOWN! TAKE HIM DOWN! Oh, false alarm it was just a squirrel.

So now, not according to the police, London is more dangerous than Istanbul or New York while Lisbon has the least edge.

And worse it's all our own fault for having so much nickable crap:

The rising affluence of some London residents was a reason for the city’s increasing crime levels, according to one of the report’s authors.

Time to hide all your stuff. We recommend pulling all the rubbish out of a bible (the pages) and stuffing your MP3 player in there. You're much less likely to get bothered with an iGod as most people will cross the street to avoid you. Hide your swish new mobile in the guts of a nice chunky phone from 1999 and please remember to paste your laptop over with pages from the Standard. If you're still really worried then Bernard Matthews can let you have a turkey cheap. Just drape it around your neck and squeeze it in the general direction of anyone who looks dodgier than you.

Last Updated 07 February 2007