29 April 2017 | 14.9 °C

Like Zorro, The Bad Sex Awards Are Back

By sizemore Last edited 125 months ago
Like Zorro, The Bad Sex Awards Are Back
shatner_sex.jpg

Iain Hollingshead has won an esteemed literary award with his first novel:

Iain Hollingshead has won the Literary Review's Bad Sex in Fiction Award 2006 with his first novel Twenty Something. Now in its 14th year, the award is given to the passage considered to be the most redundant in an otherwise excellent novel. The panel admitted it was a close call against Tim Willocks' The Religion but Hollingshead's reference to "bulging trousers" tipped the scales.

Well done that man!

Londonist has pulled off some ripe quotes from the previous five winners, but we've hidden then after the moist fold lest more sensitive readers come over all flushed.

2000 Sean Thomas - Kissing England

"It is time, time. Now. Yes. She is so small and compact and yet she has all the necessary features. Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman, thou art more compact and more. She is his own Toshiba, his dinky little JVC, his sweet Aiwa."

2001 Christopher Hart - Rescue Me

"Her hand is moving away from my knee and heading north. Heading unnervingly and with a steely will towards the pole.. And, like Sir Ranulph Fiennes, Pamela will not easily be discouraged. I try twitching, and then shaking my leg, but to no avail. Ever northward moves her hand, while she smiles languorously at my right ear. And when she reaches the north pole, I think in wonder and terror - she will surely want to pitch her tent,"

2002 Wendy Perriam - Tread Softly

"She closed her eyes, saw his dark-as-treacle-toffee eyes gazing down at her. Weirdly, he was clad in pin-stripes at the same time as being naked. Pin-stripes were erotic, the uniform of fathers, two-dimensional fathers... The jargon he'd used at the consultation had become bewitching love-talk... dorsal subluxation, flexion deformity of the first metatarsal,"

2003 Aniruddha Bahal - Bunker 13

"She is topping up your engine oil for the cross-country coming up. Your RPM is hitting a new high. To wait any longer would be to lose prime time... She picks up a Bugatti's momentum. You want her more at a Volkswagen's steady trot. Squeeze the maximum mileage out of your gallon of gas. But she's eating up the road with all cylinders blazing."

2004 Tom Wolfe - I am Charlotte Simmons

"Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns. Oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest no, the hand was cupping her entire right - Now! She must say 'No, Hoyt' and talk to him like a dog..."

2005 Giles Coren - Winkler

"And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro."

Last Updated 30 November 2006