21 January 2017 | 1 °C

Clarkson's MANifesto

By sizemore Last edited 125 months ago
Clarkson's MANifesto
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Jeremy Clarkson is easy to dislike - we've used his snarling image for just about every congestion charge/traffic related post on Londonist - but he's also funny from time to time. Top Gear is hard to stomach unless you live in the fantasy land of wanting to own a new car every fortnight or get a thrill from the idea of standing in a garage looking at Clarkson's jean clad backside, but we're happy to watch him try and outrun a tank or an attack helicopter from time to time. This doesn't mean we'd like him as our mayor.

Thankfully the motorists' friend isn't taking it too seriously himself, but couldn't resist the opportunity to take the piss out of Ken and lefty tree hugging types:

Why should I give up a handsomely paid job which involves driving round corners in a selection of Ferraris and Lamborghinis so that I can earn £134,000 a year, doing something I don’t want to do, for a party I’m not sure about, in a city where I don’t live?.. but so far as I can tell, the job of running the capital is no harder than being a lift attendant.

And we thought that Clarkson liked the idea of riding around in a metal box all day... maybe if the lift in question cost an arm and a leg and ground cyclists in its wake he'd be more interested.

On the first day I’d instruct my people to go out into the capital and get rid of all the bus lanes. And then I’d sell off all the bendy buses to somewhere like Los Angeles, which has big enough roads to handle their vast bulk. Then I’d go to the Ivy for lunch. On Tuesday I’d look out of the window for a bit and marvel at how the traffic was moving freely. And then I’d go to the Caprice. And in the afternoon I’d have a nap. Then, in the evening, I’d put the mayoral eco-car on eBay and buy a Range Rover. Wednesday is when we record Top Gear, so I’d pop down to Surrey and drive round some corners in a Lamborghini. And then I’d go back to London in the Range Rover and maybe take in a show. You think I’m joking here. But I’m not.

Congestion charge?

I’ve thought about this and I’ve decided there’d be a charge of £50 a day for all cars, which would keep tatty rubbish out of the city, and £500 a day for bicycles. Anyone who’s too mean to buy a car is too mean to spend anything in the shops, so there’s no point having them. They can go to Dunstable instead, or Bedford, and not spend anything there.

Best bit/worst bit depending on your sense of humour:

Oh no, wait. I know. I’d get someone to replace the statue of that woman with no arms and legs in Trafalgar Square with a full-size bronze model of a Spitfire.

There's a horrible Douglas Bader gag in there somewhere.

Last Updated 07 August 2006

Jo

Jesus. He really is the most unutterable old git in the world. or maybe he's a comedy genius - it's hard to tell. On the same day the environment audit committee urges the government to tax SUVs more heavily and cut the speed limit on the motorway, no less ... perfect timing, Jezza!