The man in the white t-shirt pictured to the left is an assassin. He might be the assassin who's coming after me, but I wouldn't know, because we're now two days into the competition and no one's come anywhere near me yet. My experience thus far is not about the action but all about the paranoia.
Your man here was captured on film on Monday evening, when he, like myself, was due to pick up my 'orders' from the 'Shadow Government'. This was quite an experience, and rather entertaining, albeit in a muder mystery party kind of way. I pitched up at the meeting point, just next to Liverpool St Station, at around 8.20pm and was told by a lady in a dress and pearls to sign a disclaimer and to wait in an alleyway for 20 minutes. After said period of time, she appeared and I followed her into the Great Eastern Hotel. We went to a suite on the fourth floor wher, on arrival, I was barked at by a short and rather hot-tempered lady to give my name. Having done so, I went into the room, sat on a couch and was introduced to two chaps wearing dressing gowns, sunglasses and a tache. These were the Supreme Commander and the Mustache Commander . They said hello, offered me a shot of JD, gave me my targets and then wished me good luck. So off I went.
During this episode I bumped into several other assassins and was relieved to see that they all looked fairly normal, with no bandanas, camouflage or aviator sunglasses in attendance. This is a good thing.
Upon returning home I opened my orders, which revealed that I had been given three targets, all female (my wife thinks I've joined a dating agency) and all seeming rather normal. Being a curious sort of chap, I attempted to enter into a conversation with my prey, over the interweb. Only one of the three got back to me and I have to say that it wasn't the most thrilling conversation.....
I've heard there's an assassin on your trail right now and you're not going to last the night.
Great. Who would be your inpsiration, asssassin-wise?
I am my own inspiration.
Ok. If say, we were to be caught up in a 'firefight' and you squirted me in the eye, would you stop to check I was ok, or stand over me, pumping jets of water at me as I lay helpless on the ground?
Errmmm... If we were to meet, in a Robert De Niro and Al Pacino in 'Heat' fashion, at a cafe - what would you order?
I'd order your assassin to shoot you dead.
Riiiight. What marks you out out from the rest of the assassins?
Nothing - that's why I'm still dry.
She's a little intense don't you think? Maybe I'm not taking the whole thing seriously enough? I'm trying to. I've now added two little waterpistols (both very brightly coloured and looking nothing like a gun so that the police don't shoot me DEAD for a being a SICK PRANKSTER) to my syringe and I'm planning my first attack, so I'm certainly giving it a go. The good news is that the organisers have added the tube network as a no-go area (along with buses, cars and offices), so there is certainly less of a chance of a nervy member of the public calling the cops, leaving my main fear as being drenched on my lunch break and then having to go into a very important meeting.
I never knew being an assassin was so stressful.