Two dark and disturbing despatches from the depths of D-list celebrity today.
First up: central London is now a Pete Burns free zone. The ex-Celeb Big Brother 'star' was conditionally bailed for harrassing ex-boyfriend Jason Peters but has been ordered to wear an electronic tag and keep a 10pm to 6am curfew, and told to stay out of the congestion charge zone "unless he has a pre arranged appointment."
Apparently when Pete turned up in court he was accomapnied by a documentary crew, so we've got that to look forward to...great.
Elsewhere in the weird world of 'Don't You Know Who I Am?' we find Syed Ahmed from The Apprentice who has dodged going to prison after being caught drink driving.
Apparently, after being sacked from the show Syed hit the town with some workmates and then tried to drive home, despite already being banned for drink driving.
When he was pulled over by police he was found to be three times over the limit, but still protested that he'd only had "a glass of Champagne and part of a bottle of beer". Then he refused to give another breath test at the station, claiming health problems and saying "My throat is hurting. I can't speak properly, please help me."
In court Syed's lawyer explained his client had a "suffered from a medical condition which caused swelling in his throat and difficulty in breathing."
Syed then went into his all-too-familiar 'crawling/begging/please don't sack me Sir Alan' mode, pleading with the Judge not to 'send him down':
Madam, I'd like to say I apologise. I made a mistake. Since my last appearance in court I have done nothing but strive to give my family and the people I work with new opportunities in life.
Now I'm looking after a mother who's just recovered from a major cancer operation. The Apprentice was three months of very competitive and gruelling work. I was only allowed one phonecall a week. I got to number five out of 25,000. I worked very, very hard.
I was going through depression and had just found out my mother had cancer. The only glitch has been that night. I made a bad decision. I should not have been in that car. It will never happen again. I look after my family and mother and my business, and I have a lot of responsibilities.
I would be very appreciative if you could bear that in mind. I do think I have bitten off more than I can chew. The last six months have been traumatic. I do suffer from a medical condition and I have done for the last ten years. I would love to have the opportunity to carry on with my business, family and the charities I help. The last four months have been torturous. I have had sleepless nights and panic attacks thinking it all would be taken away from me.
My first job was at McDonald's when I was 18 and then I built up my business. I promise that you won't see me in these courts ever again. I have learnt my lesson.
You should sentence Ruth not me, her leadership skills on the party task were dreadful"
(We made that last bit up.)
Incredibly, the Judge seemed to take some of this crap at face value and (despite the fact that the guy hasn't yet paid £600 in compensation he owes from a conviction for assault six years ago) only gave Syed a two-month jail sentence suspended for 12 months, and a fine of £400, as well as sending him on a drink-impaired drivers' programme (where he'll probably start a sideline selling Diamond White at a huge markup).