23 March 2017 | 8 °C

No point mentioning those bats...

By sizemore Last edited 129 months ago
No point mentioning those bats...
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We're not sure when Silly Season officially starts - maybe when the rotting corpse of Big Brother is dragged by hooks back onto festering television sets - but it's now in full swing as the press begin investigating the TfL Lost Property office:

In the last year almost 150,000 items of property have been left on Tubes, buses and taxis, with mobile phones and books among the most-mislaid articles...

Let's break this down:

  • A 14ft inflatable boat
  • A coffin
  • False limbs
  • A lawn mower
  • Breast implants
  • A jar of bull's sperm
  • Three dead bats
  • A divan bed
  • Boring stuff (bags, umbrellas, wallets, passports, teddy bears and wedding rings)
  • £25,000 worth of Rolex watches (found on a bus)
  • A £2,000 plasma TV (back of a cab)
  • A home vasectomy kit
  • An urn of ashes
  • 22,000 items of clothing (single gloves, scarves, hats, coats, wedding dresses, full judge's regalia, etc)
  • Stuff saved for display includes six African masks, three Second World War gas masks and a few human skulls.

    As usual we're told this stuff ends up being auctioned, but does anyone know where? We used up all our bull sperm the last time we had to initiate a new writer and could do with a fresh batch for the next recruitment drive...

    Last Updated 22 June 2006

    Another Jo

    What I'd like to know is how come whenever I've lost something I never ever get it back!??! If all this stuff is being handed in, then how come none of it is mine!??! I have (stupidly) left a couple of things on tubes/trains including an expensive pair of hair straighteners and my stuff always mysteriously disappears. Does anyone actually get their stuff back??!

    Sorry, rant over!

    Mike

    The overall return rate for all items is about one in 12.

    They don't say if that includes hair straighteners I'm afraid.

    We're more interested in rooting about through other people's lost property than getting our own back though. Maybe they should organise a car boot sale instead of an auction...

    Barry P

    Wait wait, back up: home vasectomy kit?

    Never mind, I'd rather not know how it works.

    Richard

    Why on earth would anyone steal an urn of ashes? Seriously?