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TV Troll: The Only Football Worth Watching

By Jo Last edited 131 months ago
TV Troll: The Only Football Worth Watching
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TV Troll is hyperventilating right about now. Footballers Wive$ (Thur 9pm ITV1) is back on for a fifth series!!! YESSS!!!!!!!!!!!! (We know, we know, multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind, but ... FOOTBALLERS WIVE$!!!! Oops, there we go again.) For snobs, the criminally insane, and people who live under rocks, all of whom may not appreciate the pure genius of this programme, we offer you the following episode synopsis, of season 4 episode 1, taken from www.footballerswives.tv (as are the Tanya pictures that accompany this panegyric):

... Tanya begins to panic when Hazel notices that her baby son, Troy, is looking a bit brown. She knows that Amber has done a paternity test on Troy and won’t feel safe until the results come back. In the meantime, she persuades Nurse Dunkley to cover Pundarik (her real baby) in fake tan to make him look darker like his ‘mother’ ...... The results from the paternity test arrive and Amber holds her breath as Conrad opens the envelope. As he and Tanya thought, they prove that Troy is his son. But then they are disturbed by a dreadful scream. Nurse Dunkley stands over Pundarik’s crib where all that can be seen is a still baby arm under a mound of dog. Krishna has smothered Pundarik!

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Wow. The last series ended with the brutish Bruno shooting the fairy-like Conrad as Bruno mistook him for the unbalanced doctor who had kidnapped his wife, Lucy, and daughter. We viewers knew said doctor was clearly a Bad Lot right from the start, however, as Lucy met him over the internet. In TV-world, anyone you meet over the internet is contractually obliged to be a foaming fruitloop. The mid-season drought has been somewhat alleviated by Footballers Wive$: Extra Time, which featured the delightful Bruno implanting a tracking device in his unfortunate daughter's arm, but to be honest, we didn't really bother with it, as one very important ingredient was missing: Tanya. Look at her eyes wobble. Go on. And ... she's coming back later on this series!!!! (Sorry, slight relapse there -won't happen again.) And, more good news, it seems like our cousins across the Atlantic are finally waking up to the sheer awesomeness of FW, the lucky things. How about they make a film of it? TV Troll will be watching this with a bottle of pink champagne, a few good friends, and a metric fuckton of anticipation. Oh, and did we mention Joan Collins is going to be in it, too? !!!!!!!!!! And !

To keep us entertained in the meantime, there's always that Going Cold Turkey (Mon-Thur 11.05pm C4), part of C4's Addiction Week. We should probably try and tune in so we can cure our addiction to, variously, Prison Break (Mon 10pm Five), Dessie HW (Wed 10pm C4) and Brat Camp (Wed 9pm C4). The comforting morphine of Rock School is, sadly, over - and did anyone else cry at the end, when Gene told the band (called No Comment, then Hoax UK) they'd "done great" and Sammi reconciled with his mum? Little Chris has the It factor, too - even if Simon, Sharon and Louis would laugh him out of the studio.

There's an intriguing double bill on BBC on Wednesday night: The Apprentice (Wed 9pm BBC2) followed by The Armstrongs (Wed 10pm BBC2). The Apprentice is straightforward enough - with luck, it'll be more of the same corporate backstabbing, downsizing (or "rationalisation of non-optimal staff"), and barbed base-touching. We've diarised it, and readers should be synergistically incentivised to watch it for tips on how not to get ahead in business as much as anything else. As for The Armstrongs, we've read the Radio Times listing for it, and are none the wiser as to whether it's a docusoap or a comedy or what. At any rate the RT reviewer seems to like it, and the show promises to reveal "Ann's schemes for improving the company - such as hiring a Zimbabwean motivational guru called Basil". Basil the motivational guru. Sounds like what the wannabe fatcats on The Apprentice need.

Has Preston of The Painfully Ordinary Boys really dumped his beautiful, intelligent French girlfriend for the vacant lot and bad extensions zone that calls herself Chantelle? Sorry for not keeping up, we're too busy reading about the real Paris Hilton over at Pink Is The New Blog, a favourite down in the TV dungeon. As we've mentioned before, isn't one Paris enough - do we really need a fuzzy photocopy who is equally as vapid, without even the saving "grace" of being a mega-bitch and entertaining us with her high-profile feuds? If you care, Chantelle: Living The Dream (Wed 10.30pm E4) is for you. The listings claim that this is a "Documentary following Celebrity Big Brother winner Chantelle Houghton over six weeks as she gets to grips with her new-found fame and A-list lifestyle". A-list in Essex, maybe.

From winners to more winners (ahem) on Thursday as it is the NME Awards 2006 (Thur 11pm E4/Fri 11.35pm C4). Now, Londonist readers may remember a minor spat last year involving the aforementioned publication. That's all ancient history now, and we're sure the winners of these awards were chosen in a fair manner, but frankly, we don't care either way as we'll be too busy rocking out to Dragonforce. Predictions? Lots of skinny northern white males will win prizes for "spiky" (yawn), "challenging" (hahaha) and "original" records that sound just like everything else in the charts. Anyone care to bet against us? No ...?

PS: FOOTBALLERS WIVE$!!!!!!

Last Updated 21 February 2006