28 March 2017 | 17 °C

It's 5.41pm. Do you know where your foetuses are?

By sizemore Last edited 133 months ago
It's 5.41pm. Do you know where your foetuses are?
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Don't panic if you don't as we're always losing things too. Ok we tend to misplace pens and the occasional NME incriminating list rather than actual human remains, but there is some tupperware at the back of our fridge that at this point could contain anything. We'd need a CSI team to be sure.

Anyway, if you're the proud owner of a six-pack of one hundred year old foetuses and can't lay your hands on them right now then you may want to give the police a quick ring as they've found them.

It seems they turned up at an ambiguously described "business premises" (probably a Cash Converters) in Ruislip last June. Police later arrested a man on suspicion of half-inching the little chaps, but are still no wiser as to where they came from. We did try and ring the police to explain, but were cut off by the time we got to "when a man and a woman love each other very much..."

Not that we're at all sure that those are human foetuses as they look more like something that David Cronenberg and HR Giger's loins would cook up. Then again although we're pretty confident at handling the white stuff that makes the little bitty things that are eventually pushed around Nappy Valley in Clapham, we haven't got a clue as to what the 'baking' process in between looks like. Aside from M@ we were always more likely to get our scientific knowledge from 'older boys' on the playground, which goes some way to explain why we had so much trouble with the rhythm method and Motorhead when we were younger.

Last Updated 06 February 2006