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Interview: Rocky, The Spying Rock

By Londonist Last edited 137 months ago
Interview: Rocky, The Spying Rock
russian rock sized.jpg

In the past few days a row has broken out between Britain and Russia over claims that our secret service used a covert transmitter disguised as a rock (pictured) to pass messages to agents.

We here at Londonist are always eager to get to the bottom of these major stories, and it was with that aim in mind that we tracked down the rock in question (codename: Rocky) and conducted the following exclusive interview:

Rocky, thanks for taking the time out to answer a few questions, we know this must be a difficult time for you.

No worries at all. It's been a rough couple of days and now I just want to set the record straight.

Okay then, let's try and do that right away. Is there any truth to these accusations that you have been hanging around on Russian streets collecting classified information for the British intelligence services?

Well there's no use denying it now is there. I can categorically confirm that I am a member of MI5's Aggregate Surveillance Team and I have, for the past five or six years, been operating in the former Soviet Union gathering 'street level' intelligence.

Incredible. And would you say your mission has been a success?

Well apart from my cover being blown and having my face splashed all over the media, I'd say it was going pretty well, yeah.

How did you get into this line of work?

I was recruited while quite young, pretty much a pebble really, but you know how you are at the age - Tom Clancy novels and James Bond movies make it all sound like a world of adventure.

And was it?

Not really. Most days I'd just sit there. It's a lot less glamorous than in the movies. I may be a rock, but I'm not rock and roll.

What about a cool car? Did they give you a cool car with ejector seats?

Hardly. I was given a Brezhnev-era Lada, to blend in with the locals. I couldn't even reach the peddles.

Still, you must get to travel to some exotic locations?

Not very often. Though recently Interpol had me tailing Kate Moss around the world. You know, trying to reel her in for questioning, obtain incriminating photographs, that sort of thing. Well, it's hard work for an inanimate piece of basalt. And, you know what they say, 'a rolling stone gathers no Moss'.

What are your options, now you've been rumbled by the Ruskies?

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about retirement. Join a little rockery down in Eastbourne or something. But I don't know. There's still so much of the world to see. Perhaps they'll offer me a sinecure in Stonehenge or the Giant's Causeway. Just sit there and entertain the tourists. Easy money.

With all your real life experience, did you ever think about going up for the part of the new James Bond?

I've often dreamed of slipping on that famous tuxedo but my agent convinced me that the move to acting might be a bit premature. Although I did appear in an episode of Gardener's World a few year's ago and that was quite well received.

And what about a tell-all autobiograpy Rocky? Can we expect to see that on the bookshelves this Christmas?

Absolutely, I've already written an outline and I've got a few titles picked out already: The Boulder and the Brave, In Bedrock with the Enemy, Do Ore Die, Mineral Impossible...I could go on.

Last Updated 25 January 2006