It's 4am and you can't sleep. You've exhausted the Internet after reading the whole thing twice and even the American football on Channel 5 can't send you to sleep. What you could really do with is watching some naked women rubbing themselves up against the furniture, but the nursing home won't let you in at this hour... what a conundrum.
Don't fret though - Peter Stringfellow is on the case.
It's been a while since we mentioned this blonde representative of the underside of our fair city, but even when we're not watching him fill his Viagra prescription at the local chemist it's good to know that he's out there fighting for us. Losing mind you, but still fighting.
His latest knockback comes as Westminster City Council refuse to extend the licence at Stringfellows because the club is in a "stress area", where a special policy to manage the number of late-night premises is in force to reduce crime and anti-social behaviour.
Speaking of stress this is just the kind of blow that Peter has to watch at his age and besides everything else it's embarrassing for a man of his stature to have difficulty sustaining an extension.
Our advice to Peter is to look on the bright side and to think outside of the box... perhaps chuck a couple of girls on each pole to get some extra punters in for that last hour. Adding a little fairy liquid to the baby oil will also add a glean to the poles each time someone drags their undercarriage across and save on cleaning bills.