Friday Premiership Preview

By londonist_alex2 Last edited 139 months ago
Friday Premiership Preview
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What kind of person would have the time and inclination to interrupt their morning by penning predictions of the results of the six matches involving London Premiership teams this weekend, and then email them through to a blog about London, along with a photo of themselves? It could only be a student really, couldn't it?

A big welcome to Guy then, who provides us with today's Preview.

Name: Guy Parsons

Occupation: Student

Lives in: Bethnal Green

Supports: England, throughout duration of European and World Cups

Favourite place in London: Recently, I discovered a very odd little square just between the OXO Tower and Blackfriars Bridge, walled in with the backs of buildings (with painted on windows) and also featuring hand-carved rocking horses and a little bandstand in the middle. Quirky!

Birmingham 1 - 1 Fulham

As Walter Pandiani manages to score a scrappy equaliser from an even scrappier corner, people up and down the country are reminded that, like Fulham's lead from a 6th minute goal, they have so very, very much to lose. Later that night, men will kiss their wives full on the lips, and tell them: "I love you. I need you. Please always be with me." They will, however, watch the highlights as usual.

Blackburn 0 - 2 West Ham

"What?"

"Nothing. Just... no, nothing really."

"Go on. You can tell me, you know?"

"No, no. Don't worry about it. I have to get back from lunch, anyway. Talk to you later."

So much goes tragically unspoken due to shame, fear and cowardice. Similarly, Blackburn will go tragically goalless, mainly due to excellent saves from Roy Carroll. It remains to be seen if Roy Carroll will also cause the Blackburn squad to spend the whole evening composing a single text message, only to eventually delete it for being "inappropriately sincere."

Charlton 0 - 0 Sunderland

The Ebola virus causes massive internal haemmoraging, organ failure and death. The Charlton vs. Sunderland fixture, however, causes only ennui and a crushing sense of existential angst as the pace of the match operates at either "defeated and listless" or "frustrated and bitter". Too many yellow cards, too, but while your intestines aren't disintegrating, be grateful for small mercies. Gary Breen will look slightly different, although it will be hard to say why.

Chelsea 5 - 1 Wigan

David vs Goliath: REWRITTEN WITH A MORE REALISTIC CONCLUSION! Adjectives that spring to mind: abort, annihilate, annul, axe, blot out, break down, butcher, consume, cream, crush, damage, deface, desolate, despoil, dismantle, dispatch, end, eradicate, erase, exterminate, extinguish, extirpate, gut, impair, kill, lay waste, level, liquidate, maim, mar, maraud, mutilate, nuke, nullify, overturn, quash, quell, ravage, ravish, raze, ruin, sabotage, shatter, slay, smash, snuff out, spoliate, stamp out, suppress, tear down, torpedo, total, trash, waste, wipe out, wreck, zap.

For a giggle, Jose Mourinho will put his newly-crafted waxwork on the touchline, and spend the duration of the match standing in Madame Tussauds frightening the tourists. More worryingly, none of the players actually seem to notice.

Newcastle 0 - 1 Arsenal

In an alternate reality, Thierry Henry is a laughing stock ever since the Renault commercials used the phrase "Nyeh-nyeh-neeeeeowng!" Fortunately in our world, the likeable Frenchman enjoyed a more flattering script , and today his run of good luck continues as he embarasses the Geordie defense with a footloose and fancyfree run from the halfway line to the penalty area. (Alternate reality prediction: Newcastle 5 - 0 Arsenal. Thierry Henry keeps tripping over his laces, which just won't do up, no matter how hard he tries.)

Tottenham 2 - 1 Portsmouth

I went to a crap

Party in portsmouth once. I

won't do that again!

Never been to a

Party in Tottenham though.

So I think they'll win.

Thanks Guy! Although we do feel you tailed off a little at the end there, perhaps you had to finish off in a hurry so that you could watch Des and Mel. Who knows? Also, you gave us predicted scores, whereas we just wanted results, so you are going to have to work on your attention to detail, ok sunshine?

Let's see if Guy can do better than Lucy, who last week managed three correct predictions out of six (Simon managed two), not bad, but no better than we've done ourselves. It's not enough! WE WANT MORE!

If YOU want to achieve instant celeb status next Friday, get in touch. You know the address.

Last Updated 09 December 2005