28 April 2017 | 5.8 °C

New Ball Cutters Please

By Rob Last edited 140 months ago
New Ball Cutters Please
tongs.jpg

Someone has nicked a pair of castrating tongs from the London Dungeon.

Apparently the tools were stolen on Friday after a couple of actors put them to one side after carrying out a mock castration (another 'tool removal' then...sorry).

Now why would anyone do that?

Well, there are two theories: either they thought they were stealing a "a priceless antique"; or they're looking to remove someone's balls.

Let's examine these hypotheses in detail shall we?

If the tongs were a 'pricless antique', would the London Dungeon just leave them lying around for tourists to half-inch?

And where would London Dungeon get the money to buy some priceless, ancient testicle removers? Have they organised a bit of a swap with the British Musuem? Can we expect to see crappy waxwork likenesses of Jack the Ripper next to the Rosetta Stone?

Not a great surprise to hear then that the tongs were, "fashioned specially for the museum by a modern-day blacksmith".

So let's assume then that someone's got some ball removing that needs doing. The obvious guess is a wronged wife or girlfriend.

Have you been unfaithful lately?

Did your significant other visit the London Dungeon last Friday?

Have you just broken out in a cold sweat and instinctively crossed your legs?

Maybe you should give the London Dungeon 'incident line' a ring: 020 7403 7221.

And remember, ball castration is a relatively rare crime. So don't have nightmares.

Last Updated 22 August 2005