23 January 2017 | -2 °C

Croc Of Shite?

M@
By M@ Last edited 137 months ago
Croc Of Shite?
Croc.jpg

Something sinister is lurking beneath the waters of the River Lea and nobody knows exactly what it is, or what it's up to. The Waltham Forest Guardian reports the sighting of a Canada goose being dragged to a watery death by unseen forces, while strange burrows have been found in the banks of the River Lea. Forging the first link in what becomes a most bizarre chain of illogic, the WF Guardian explains that:

"Otters were dismissed as a possible explanation because they don't inhabit the local area and don't normally attack geese."

OK, fair enough, so we're looking for something that could be found in the River Lea and is known to attack geese.

"Opinions were sought and the conclusion was that the holes may have been made by crocodiles."

Crocodiles? More likely than otters? But the herpetological confusion doesn't stop there. Reptile expert and 'TV personality' Mark O'Shea was called in to solve the riddle. Dismissing previous theories,

"Mr O'Shea said it was highly unlikely that a crocodile was living in the river but he did come up with a number of other options including a spectacled caiman, which is part of the alligator family."

Hmmm, sounds like there are other things in the local water, such as hallucinogenic drugs and a rusting, discarded Occam's razor. The doubtful marine menagerie was further augmented by a local official:

"Ian Kendall, country parks manager for the Lee Valley Park Authority which looks after sections of the River Lea, said he thought it was more likely to be a large pike and the holes in the bank could have been made by Chinese mitten crabs."

Well, nobody has asked Londonist for our expert opinion, but we haven't yet eliminated the 'Beast of Bexley' from our enquiries. OK, so cats don't like water and this particular moggy supposedly lives five miles away on the other side of the river - but they do eat birds. We're also working on an alternative theory that this is a trial for some kind of cheap Olympic security system. Any would-be terrorist might think twice before trying to wade through a perimeter moat filled with man-eating creatures.

Last Updated 01 August 2005