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Our Kind of Olympics

By sizemore Last edited 140 months ago
Our Kind of Olympics
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NO long winded run up to this event. We'll just hit you with the details:

EVENT ONE: Martini Knockout Relay

Four contestants in two teams take it in turns to dash 10 yards to a cocktail shaker, adding each of the ingredients to a dry martini until it is ready for consumption. The first team to drink the martini wins the event.

EVENT TWO: Cucumber Sandwich Discus

A plate of cucumber sandwiches is hurled and the distance between the nearest sandwich and the plate is measured. Nearest to the plate wins.

EVENT THREE: Vulgarity Hurdles

Athletes must complete a 200-yard circuit, gingerly stepping over obstacles in their path such as fast-food containers, cans of lager and noxious-smelling plimsolls.

EVENT FOUR: Freestyle Trouser Gymnastics

In the Pantaloon Arena, contestants perform a variety of manoeuvres with their trousers for a minute-and-a-half. Judges award points for style, élan and the maintenance of a crisp crease throughout. Points are deducted for ripped gussetts or removal of trousers.

EVENT FIVE: Quill Throwing

Points are awarded for distance attained and the tragic nature of fragments of poetry recited.

EVENT SIX: Relating of Anecdotes

Three contestants must begin recounting an anecdote in front of the judges. Extra points are awarded for finishing on the same anecdote as they began.

EVENT SEVEN: Bounders

Contestants must approach a lady and say such things to her as result in a slap on the face. The soonest to be slapped is the winner.

EVENT EIGHT: Ruffian Vaulting

Canes or umbrellas are deployed to vault over a drunken ruffian lying on the track.

Yes, it's the 2005 CHAP Olympics taking place this Sunday. Thanks to the very cool Buzzwords blog over at 3AM Magazine for the heads up.

Last Updated 28 June 2005

Pete

If you fancy getting there by "vaulting over ruffians" the nearest tube station to the event is Camden Town...