Dognapping: Liz Hurley's Agony

By london_will Last edited 145 months ago
Dognapping: Liz Hurley's Agony
Put the pooch down, Ken, we have you surrounded

Official: the dognapping saga now has all the elements of the perfect Evening Standard story. The phone lines in the news room are red hot. Journalists are being recalled from the foreign and politics desks to lend support. It's the biggest story possible.

Liz Hurley has lost her dog.

And it may have been dognapped.

Equally, it may have run under a bus, fallen into a hole or have been abducted by aliens, but that's not stopping London's newstrolls whipping up a froth under the headline LIZ HURLEY'S DOGNAPPING FEAR.

1. Dogs.

2. Scaremongering.

3. Liz Hurley.

Like we said, this is to the Standard what the Holy Grail is to a mug tree.

Liz Hurley was distraught today over the disappearance of her eight-month-old black labrador.

It comes after the Standard revealed an increasing number of dogs are being stolen in London, some at gunpoint.

"Some" at gunpoint? "One" at gunpoint, guys, come on. Exaggeration is one thing, but that's outright distortion. (Incidentally, the front page story about dognapping yesterday is still not online, as far as we can tell. So no link. Sorry.)

Now that la Hurley has been dragged into this sensational developing story, it is hard to see how it might be further improved. Londonist has some ideas, though:

- Happy dognapping slapping. Dog owners have their pooches swiped on the street, are belaboured about the face and neck, and the whole incident is captured on video phones for the entertainment of witless youths.

Effect on the ES news desk: Loss of bowel control.

- We discover that dogs are being stolen by motorists in order to afford the new £8 congestion charge.

Effect on the ES newsdesk: Hallucinations. Some may enter a silent order of monks.

- It emerges that Ken Livingstone is stealing the dogs to satiate his blood lust after the death of London's last motorist.

Effect on the ES newsdesk: Spasms; howling at moon; hair loss.

- The Olympic Bid fails solely because of dognapping. IOC brand London "world capital of dog crime"; Blair forced to resign.

Effect on the ES newsdesk: Gibbering, gnashing of teeth, foaming at mouth; sacrifice of office interns.

- The Grand Slam. Ken is stealing the dogs, slapping the owners, and capturing the incidents on a video phone held by Cherie Blair. When it emerges that his actions are endangering the Olympic bid, the Queen orders that he is brought to justice by Fathers 4 Justice.

Effect on the ES newsdesk: Spontaneous combustion. Former Standard journalists rise from the dead to assume control.

Last Updated 30 June 2005

Phillip

Is Cherie selling the video clips for her own gain?

Dominic Sayers

You need to work Tube Hell and House Prices Tumble in there too.

Will

Possibly to promote her book ... is there some way Carole Caplin might be involved? Or, better yet, Nancy dell'Olio.

Will

How could I have missed "House prices tumble"? I think we can safely assume that the property desk would say that house price were set to tumble under all the above scenarios.

Phil

Oh, you just wait until they got hold of this little beauty; according to a newly released government report there are between 310,000 and 570,000 illegal immigrants in the country. Link to story in the Guardian


I confidently predict that Evening Standard Towers will actually explode at some point this afternoon, showering bile, filth and warm masonry all over London.

Alex

The dogs that have been stolen are being forced to listen to iPods which could make them deaf (if listened to at high volumes for long periods of time)?