The War on Hoodies intensified this week. After losing the Battle of Bluewater, the shadowy forces of maleficence have regrouped to score a minor victory over DHL. Reports from the front line suggest that the delivery firm has been sorely routed in parts of London, including Custom House and Canning Town. Sounding the retreat, DHL are now refusing to deliver to these inner-city areas for fear of attack.
Possibly speaking from his reinforced bunker, DHL spokesperson Matthew Zamoyski commented:
"Where there is an area we have had problems with, the local manager would make a decision that they won't deliver for a while until it has settled down…He might say, 'It's getting a bit hairy out there,' and a decision might be made that it's not safe".
And those local managers have made some plucky decisions elsewhere. The steadfast couriers of DHL are only too happy to fulfil orders in such intimidating territories as Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea and Chicago. In fact, the company's planes have shrugged off attacks from shoulder-launched rockets in Baghdad. But menacing gangs of youths sporting the maligned and hooded accoutrement are one adversary with whom they will no longer engage.
This is not the first skirmish between the Forces of Home Delivery and the disenfranchised youth of London. Last year, Tesco withdrew its on-line service to customers in parts of Croydon, after continuous harassment from malcontent ranks of ne’er-do-wells.
So what can be done to stop these spiteful yobs? Perhaps we’re looking at it all wrong. Why not harness the mischief to a useful end and train these kids into intimidating door-to-door salesmen and political canvassers?